Category Archives

4 Articles

42

by mweiss24 0 Comments

Douglas Adams* fans will immediately recognize “42” as the answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, which is commonly interpreted as “What’s the meaning of life?”

42 is, of course, a non-sensical answer to that most important of all questions. But it’s also an appropriate answer, because the question itself is absurd: There is no one “meaning of life”; everyone must make their own meaning. Whether you find your meaning in your religion, your work, your family, or elsewhere, we each need to find it for ourselves.

In addition to each of us having our own meaning, meaning can change throughout our lives. For a time, meaning may come from trying to forge a career. At other times, you may find meaning in raising children. And in other periods of your life, meaning may come from devoting yourself to a cause.

In the end, it’s not important where you find meaning, merely that you do. That’s the thing.

*For those who aren’t familiar with him, Douglas Adams is the late, lamented author of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” trilogy (in five parts), which I highly recommend to fans of fantasy, science fiction, English humor, or just humor in general.

A (not so-) Surprising Path to Authenticity

by mweiss24 0 Comments

An old friend of mine recently told me that she would soon be taking classes to learn to teach English as a second language. The school she’ll be attending, she casually revealed, is in Mexico.

“You’re leaving the country?” I asked in surprise. Yes, she said. After she completes the training, she intends to spend at least another six months teaching somewhere outside the U.S. She explained that she had always wanted to live overseas, and even though most people who become expatriates do it when they’re young, she felt this was her opportunity, so she’s going.

I was stunned. I knew she was dissatisfied with her life, including the fact that the reward for her decades of professionalism and commitment to her career had been sudden unemployment. But it hadn’t occurred to me that she would suddenly pull up stakes and light out for the territories. My first thought: “She’s a middle-aged woman with a house and friends and family… how can she just leave?”

But then I thought about it some more, and the plan began to sound reasonable, appropriate, sane. She has always had wanderlust and has never been afraid to go to new and exotic places. And although she was successful and expert in her work in the corporate world, she never liked it much (and at times, seemed to positively hate it). It paid her bills, certainly, but she never seemed comfortable, and seemed continually frustrated by the lack of respect she received as well as the ever-decreasing meaning she took from the work itself.

In other words, what I saw as surprising is actually perfectly rational, understandable, and healthy. To use a bit of therapist jargon, her plan reflects authenticity: she’s bringing her life in line with her sense of self. For years, she has played a role – professional, corporate employee, cubicle dweller – and played it pretty successfully, earning decent money and status. But she was wearing a mask, doing what she was supposed to do rather than what satisfied her soul. She was living inauthentically.

It’s difficult, and perhaps impossible, to be happy while living inauthentically. It leaves you constantly battling your “true” self, the real you that we often hesitate to reveal to others  (or admit exists even to ourselves). You’re encountering that authentic self every time that small, quiet internal voice reminds you that things aren’t quite right. When we can’t or won’t listen to that reminder, our inner lives become a battleground between what we “should do” and what we want to do.  Living with that battle is, at best, tiresome – think of all the energy you’re using just trying to convince yourself that you’re doing the right thing – and at worst, leads to anxiety and depression.

We have many reasons for not living authentically. We tell ourselves, “It would be irresponsible,” or “They [parents, friends, Twitter…] would think I was being foolish,” or “It’s too hard risky, scary, etc.].” The common thread is that we choose to live in a way that feels uncomfortable because we think that we are supposed to.

The truth is, sometimes we do have to do what we’re supposed to. We may have to work a job we hate, that feels completely wrong for us, because we need to support a family. But many (most?) of us can’t keep denying that inner voice forever. At some point, our happiness depends on finding a way to live authentically.  Otherwise, we’re unhappy, conflicted, anxious, depressed.

Back to my friend: after many years, she had had enough of living inauthentically. She has arrived at the point where her need for authenticity trumps all the rationalizations and fears that trapped her her in a less-than-fulfilling life. And so, she’s off on an adventure, which I’m guessing will come with its own share of stresses and frustrations. But I’m sure that, any difficulties aside, it will feel exciting, and life-affirming, and authentic. She deserves nothing less.

The Myth of the Mid-Life Crisis

by mweiss24 0 Comments

I’ve never owned a red sports car. I haven’t begun dressing in an “age inappropriate” style – no skinny jeans or trendy mountain-man beard. And I most certainly haven’t had an affair with a much younger woman.

In other words, I am lucky enough to have avoided a “mid-life crisis,” that moment when otherwise mature people suddenly begin behaving strangely, and sometimes even self-destructively, in response to a genuine sense of psychological disruption and unease.

Stereotypes

You know the stereotype: a man, aged somewhere above 40, suddenly starts embarrassing himself with age-inappropriate, even self-destructive behavior. It’s a mid-life crisis, favorite theme for television sitcoms everywhere. It does happen, though it’s not quite as universal as you’d think: one recent study showed that about three quarters (74%) of 40+ year old men surveyed said they had never experienced a crisis.

If most people don’t have a crisis, why is the idea so embedded in our culture? Perhaps because in mid-life virtually everyone goes through an important, and often dramatic, life transition. Although we tend to call everyone from 21-65 an “adult,” we actually go through several stages between adolescence and old age. Mid-life is different than what comes before (and, for that matter, what comes after). And although the stereotype focuses on men, women face a similar transition at this age. As we move past young adulthood, we begin to have thoughts, feelings, and experiences that we’ve never had before. We are changing, growing, becoming something different than we were before. That’s normal, and a good thing – would you really want to be the same person at 50 that you were at 25?

Aging and change

So from a psychological perspective, what’s happening? First, it’s a time when we become aware of our age, and that we’re aging. We’re no longer young, and in this youth-obsessed culture, that feels like a loss; the sports car and too-young paramour are obvious attempts to hang on to youth. Next, ways of being and thinking that used to work for us simply no longer apply. As a young adult, we were concerned with building a career, looking for a partner, perhaps preparing to be a parent. By mid-life, most of us have moved past those issues. We’ve moved from gathering to sowing, thinking less about how to build a life and more about leaving a legacy.

This change is a predictable result of growing older. In mid-life our perspective on time changes: we stop counting up from birth (how much time have I accumulated?) and start counting down to our death (how much time do I have left?). We’re in the second half of our life, and (like the second half of a football game) our focus, strategies, and sense of who we are change in response. This generates a bunch of questions:

  • What should I wear? I’m not young enough to dress “hip,” but too young to be fitted for orthopedic shoes.
  • Now that my kids have all moved out, what will I do with all the time I used to devote to tending to their daily needs?
  • How do I stay connected, or reconnect, with my partner? I’m worried we may be drifting apart, and might have lost the “spark” that once made our relationship so special.
  • Will I have enough money to put my kids through college, or to leave to them after I’m gone?
  • How long will I keep working? Do I want to keep doing what I’m doing, or something new? Will I be able to retire? Do I even want to retire?
  • What will it be like to grow old? My body is starting to change, and that’s frightening.

Each of us will have our own set of questions. When they inevitably arise, we can respond by freaking out and wondering what is wrong with us; in other words, experience a crisis. Or we can choose a more healthy response: Confront these questions and work out answers that are unique and satisfying to us.

Write your own story

One tool I use with my clients who are struggling with this transition is to ask them to think of their lives as a story of change, from youth through old age, and encourage them to see themselves as the authors of that story. This approach can help you understand the meaning of your own past, present, and future: what it looks like and how it feels. Most importantly, if you understand yourself as the author of your life, you understand that you are in control of the narrative: you get to set your goals, determine your responses to events, and write the plot. That’s powerful!

Please note, I’m not suggesting that this transition is easy. Transition equals change, and change is hard. It brings stress, which commonly appears as anxiety or depression. Pay attention to how you feel, and get help if you need it. But remember that the underlying experience of change is normal and desirable.

So when you catch yourself eyeing a little crimson roadster, don’t panic. You’re probably not having a crisis. You’re just having an experience common to nearly everyone around your age: you’re growing, and changing. Embrace it, take control of it, make the most of it.

Making the Journey Through Mid-Life

by mweiss24 0 Comments

If you’re of a certain age – say, between 45 and 55, these experiences might sound familiar:

  • You collect your mail, and atop the pile is an invitation to join AARP. Into the trash it goes, unread: “AARP is for old people, not me,” you think.
  • Conversations with ambitious young co-workers leave you feeling a combination of amusement and relief: “I’m so done with that game. I just want to do good work that helps people.”
  • You watch your kids leave home with a mixture of grief and (guilty?) joy: “I’ll miss you, but I can’t wait to do what I want this weekend!”

You’ve been through these – and similar – situations. And although you might think they’re unique to you, they aren’t. In fact, they’re pretty common among people of your age group. If you’re in midlife, then you are in transition. You’ve completed many life tasks. Your children are being (or have been) launched into the world. You’ve built a career, and now you’re thinking about winding it down, or even changing careers for something more personally meaningful. You may be evaluating your relationships, your accomplishments, and your place in the community. You’re probably taking the measure of your life, and thinking about dreams accomplished, dreams deferred, and dreams still to be. Most importantly: even though you are no longer young, you’re certainly not ready to be “old.” (“My parents are old, not me!” you think.)

Eight stages of life

Why does this happen? Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, argued that everyone passes through eight life stages, beginning with infancy and ending in maturity. Each of these stages, he believed, is characterized by a central conflict (a “crisis”) which each person must resolve as they move through life. For Erikson, the crisis faced in midlife is one in which you find yourself thinking more and more about the legacy you will leave behind for your children, your community, your nation, your people.

This means that you might find yourself suddenly re-evaluating your life. You may find that, as your children grow up and move away, active, day-to-day parenting is no longer part of your life: what do you do with all that time, energy, and those nurturing impulses? Your primary relationship – whether in marriage or otherwise – may suddenly feel unstable and strained as each of you grow and evolve. Or, a career that once seemed thrilling and fulfilling now might feel shallow or meaningless. Where once you were focused on striving for status, power, and money, you now find yourself thinking about ways to give back, to use all you’ve earned to help those who will follow. Plus, while you’re not old, you are beginning to realize that you can’t do some things you used to. Your body just isn’t a strong, or quick to heal, as it once was, and you have to work harder to stay healthy. Your priorities are changing.

You’re not alone

Here’s the thing: in our culture, in the 21st Century, we all do this, but we all do it alone. We each tend to believe we are the only ones facing these, and other, shifts in thinking, expectations, and goals. We’re not. Everyone faces some or all of these challenges. They’re normal – in fact, it is predictable that each of us will struggle with these issues as we pass through this life stage.

And since we’re not alone, we can get help. We can learn how to cope from those who have already been there. Find support and sharing with those who going through it as we do. These challenges may be common and predictable, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. They can be difficult and painful, even though in the end they can leave us feeling fulfilled, content, happy.

Getting help

So, you’re asking, “Where can I find help?” The best place to start is probably with your friends. Talk to them, share your experiences and feelings, and you’ll quickly discover they are in the same place as you. You can learn from their thoughts, their experiences, as they can learn from you. Perhaps most important, it feels good to know you the challenges you’re facing, and the way they affect you, are normal.

Experts have weighed in, too, on these transitions. Two books that can help you understand your experiences are The Big Shift: Navigating The New Stage Beyond Midlife by Marc Freedman, and Composing a Further Life: The Age of Active Wisdom, by Mary Catherine Bateson. Similarly, you can look for information on the Internet, including at Encore.org and Psychology Today. You can also reach out to fellow middle-agers on social networking sites.

If these resources aren’t enough, you may consider getting professional help; a good therapist can work with you to help clarify your thinking, understand your feelings, and healthfully navigate these transitions. But no matter what, remember that what you’re going through is expected; everyone faces some version of your experience. It may seem scary and difficult, but ultimately you can get through it.

(Article originally published at LifeAfter50.com)